This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
