I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
