Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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