Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.