i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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