it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is