If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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