Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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