I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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