I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
