I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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