he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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