im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
