whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
