just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
