my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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