It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You need a sexual gate keeper
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
