I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
