People in love make me want to vomit
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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