This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
