fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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