Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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