I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
