i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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