My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
