you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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