Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
