I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
