I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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