He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
