Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
