After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
