You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
