why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
