dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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