could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
