some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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