we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
