In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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