I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
