Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
