I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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