I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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