My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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