Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When did angry sex become our thing?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
