I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
