just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
