I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
