once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
