Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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