Just fell off a train. Bad.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
