I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
