Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
