I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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