when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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