you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
