She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
