dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
