Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
